ما أهلك سوء الظن

ما أهلك سوء الظن.. لا ادري من أين أبدأ الكتابة.. لكن مرت شهور وأعوام كثيرة ولازال الألم مستمر.. فأكثر ما يؤذيني هو سوء الظن.. سواد القلب.. لا أعلم لم.. لكنه داءٌ شديد الأذى لكل من حوله..

لا استطيع أن اتعامل مع من يسيء ظنه بكل من حوله.. فيحيل كل جمال لمكر.. ويرى كل مبتسم منافق.. يتربص لكل مخطئ.. ويكيد كل  يعيش كارهاً للناس ويؤمن أنهم يستحقون كل شر.. فيقضي حياته متربص لكل من حوله.. و يمكث متمنياً لهم السوء دوماً.. ومع كل سوء ظن يأتي العند.. فلا يصدق أن اخرون يعيشون في سلام.. وينكر أن احدهم يتمنى خيراً لغيره.. 

فكم من مسيء ظن قد هلك.. وأهلك معه كل من تعامل معه.. قد يمر الموقف ويبقى الأثر.. لماذا كل هذا السواد.. لا أعلم.. أسأل الله الهداية.. وأن يحمينا من كل سوء ظن ومن كل مسيء ظن.. 

My Friend.. Grow Up!

Life is full of challenges on its own, it is never wise to add more burdens on top. That friend who feels jealous of something I have, even though she is aware of the endless weights I still carry. That assumption that I don’t call daily, then I have no more interest. That strange passive aggressiveness coming out of the blues. Needless to mention, the constant “ignoring” and avoidance when I am no longer needed. It gives a lot of mixed up feelings. I feel that urge to shout out loud “Grow UP”. Life is really filled up with a lot of burdens already which would be quite unfair to add more hardships on top. It would be nicer and easier to just be there for your friends and wish them the happiness that they deserve. Why don’t we just clear out our hearts and minds and enjoy being there for each other?!

A Distorted Channel

One loses his respect, and dignity once he/she starts to disrespect others. It is very easy to gain respect of the one in front of you. But once it is lost, it is lost! No matter what is done, it will always be torn apart, and broken down. It is close to impossible to build back that broken mutual respect. It would need years of constant effort to try to bring back what was damaged. But in most cases, it never works out.

Unfortunately, it is quite easy to disrespect others and be mean to them. Sometimes out of anger, or frustration, we say things which we never meant. We hurt others without realizing it. But once it is done, it is done! There is nothing in the world which would fix that fracture. Sometimes a strong apology would do the job to get back the normality in the relationship. But the memory of the crack will always stay.

There was this person who I knew for years, until he belittled me in a public place. He did that without realizing how big the damage would be. He did that, without realizing the effect of his words on the fragile relation we already had. Meanwhile, the effect was tremendous.

The remains were only ashes of a distorted communication pattern.. That would never be fixed again.

Tunisian Couscous – كسكس تونسي

Tunisian couscous … كسكس تونسي
١ كوسة
١ قرع
٢ بطاطس متقشرة
٢ جزر
لحم مقطع قطع كبيرة
٢ كوب كسكس
٢ كوب ماء مغلي
ثوم
بصل
ملح، فلفل، كمون، كسبرة
٣ ملاعق صوص طماطم

الطريقة:

  • نسوي اللحمة مع البهارات والثوم والبصل مع كمية مياة صغيرة
  • بعد ما تستوي، نقطع الخضار قطع كبيرة، ونحطهم مع اللحمة، والصلصة، اول ما يغلوا نطفي..
  • تحضير الكسكس..
  • تغلي كوباتين مياة
  • نخلط الكسكس مع ملعقة ملح و٣ ملاعق زيت علي جنب(في طبق او علبة)
  • اول ما تغلي المياة، حطي الكسكس المخلوط في الحلة ونقفل عليها فوراً.. لمدة ٥ دقايق هتكون استوت من البخار..
  • نطلع الكسكس من الحلة بالشوكة (مش معلقة علشان ما يعجنش)

بجد كانت حلوة جدا وشوفوا صور علي النت شكلها ايه وخفيفة جدا جدا جدا..

Das Mädchen!

6080434837455bd337b236b81eb16e23--red-photography-red-scarvesHinter der alten Mauer stand ein hübsches vierzehnjähriges Mädchen. Sehr großen blauen Augen glänzten auf ein ängstliches Gesicht. Sie verstekte mit vollem Angst hinter einen schwachen Baum. Zwar es war unbedingt kalt und nass, weil es den ganzen Nacht stark regnete. Unglaublich war sie voll verhungert, vermuttlich seit Tagen aß die nur Nüsse, die auf ihre Hand gefallten. Die Augen hatten ganz viele Geschichten erzählt, aber dennoch glücklich. Dadurch konnte man ganz eindeutlich Hoffnungstrahlen sehen, die den Welt bunter färbte. Wie kann so ein Mädchen mein Leben ändern? Sie hatte eine starke positive Auswirkung über mich. Ich finde sie so lieb, so hübsch, und so unfassbar. Wie kann es sein? Es wundert mich immer…

Why Do People Abandon Religion?

1483494409People perceive incidents differently. Some perceive the rain as a bless for Earth, others perceive it as a doom. Same goes for religion. Along our limited lives, we meet some people who decided to abandon religion, after being so strictly attached to it. It is not related to a certain religion, but it is a generic trend in humanity…

Human natural instinct pushes us to run away of whatever hurts us. With some people, certain incidents happen during their lives that cause tremendous pain, agony, grief and sadness. In some cases, this feeling turns into severe trauma, where our natural instinct pushes us out of that muddy feeling. It rescues us, by pushing us to abandon every single potential source of pain. In various cases, religion is the one of the first abandoned things. The reason goes back to the misinterpretation of religion. We misunderstand what religions oblige us to do, and how to do it. In our recent years, religions focus on the rituals rather than focusing on the spiritual philosophy behind.

Indeed, it is an intuitive first escape for such huge remorse sometimes. But in most cases, when the tough phases are over, and more quiet days start to come, things change. We realize that the abandon was an escape. It was fear of facing reality. It was weakness of seeing the right scale of things. This is a human’s first response to tremendous unbearable pain –> Escape.

In fact, in many cases, people return back to religion. Thus, this becomes the most powerful spiritual re-connection. You realize what is true, what is not. You figure out the abstract equation of life, and realize that from God, to God and through God everything works. It does not cause you pain for no reason. But on the other hand, it guides you on the hard times, as well as on the good times to reach inner peace.

Yes, people sometimes abandon their beliefs seeking relief. But after a while, they realize that relief lies within the abandoned beliefs. They find their path again to whatever was lost.

ربوهم على الحب

child-hugging-motherربوهم على الحب مش الخوف. علموهم إن الدراسة مش مرعبة بالعكس، دى مكان جميل نتعلم فيه ونقابل ناس وصحاب جداد. عودوهم إن الصلاه مش علشان خايفين من العذاب، بالعكس! احنا بنصلي عشان بنحب ربنا. ربوهم إن البنات مش شهوة ولا كائنات هتدخلهم النار! بالعكس!! البنات بنحبهم ومن كتر حبنا ليهم بنخاف عليهم ونعاملهم بحب وحنان. فهموهم إن جيراننا وقرايبنا مش أعدائنا بالعكس، دول سند لينا وهدية من ربنا يكونوا موجودين فى حياتنا. للأسف احنا بنربي جواهم الخوف أكتر ما بنربي الحب. بيكبروا خايفين يحبوا أو يظهر أي حب لأي مخلوق. بنربيهم على المشاعر السلبية قبل أي مشاعر إيجابية.

The Power of Words

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We say words, making promises, but once they are broken, trust is gone.

In some situations in life, someone we trust, gives us a promise. He gives us his word. You trust the person so much that it is almost impossible to believe that he will not stick to what he promised. Then, boom! It is all vain. All promises are broken, so does the trust.

With the huge crack in trust, everything else goes away. It turns all previous memories to ashes. It questions their genuine intentions. It gives no choice but to cancel their existence from your life.

In our culture, people are used to give void promises: “I will do this for you”, “I will call you tomorrow”, “I can never let you down”, “I will pay on time”, “I will never turn my back”….etc. It is a long endless list of void promises. They give us lots of hope, and they are sometimes even a backbone for our life. But when you figure out this is all void, the reality breaks out.

Watch out what you promise. Your words define who you are. If you cannot protect them, you would definitely lose more than what you can afford. One day, your words would stand against you, and wipe out everything you have ever built!

 

It’s OK to be Sad

9cbf2cb22842755532dfa9cd37a18bffSadness… It is just sad. Saying that word brings out a deep heavy sigh. Sadness is one of the strongest emotions which make our whole body stop. Our mind gets paralyzed by the overwhelming negative feelings invading our brains. Our heart aches because of that those sad emotions flooding within our chests. Our whole body stops functioning normally. Even the definition of normal fades away depending on the level of sadness we might experience.

Sadness might be because of a loss of a relationship, or a grief after the death of someone close, or regret for some action or decision made. Sadness does not come with a pamphlet why it should happen. But definitely, the sad moments come as part of the package for being on this planet.

Some people are naturally sad because of the incidents they had to go through along their lives; mostly it affects their emotional state. The recurrence of such sad incidents in people’s lives makes them alters their normal state. This is when the normal default state shifts one by one from being happy to having sadness as part of who we are.

Some others become sad because of some physical reasons, such as hormonal disturbances and disorders. It is known for psychiatrists and psychologists that they usually ask their “sad” patients to have their hormones checked. Some hormonal disturbances leave the patient fatigue and sleepy most of the time. Moreover, it induces these depressed and sad feelings strongly within the patient.

Sadness is part of our emotional feelings. It will come, and it will keep coming. Nevertheless, we should not leave it sneak to our daily routine until it becomes our normal default state. One healthy way to get over sadness is to allow this feeling to happen; i.e. never suppress sadness. Suppressing this strong emotion will only make it grow harder and uglier. Talk about it, write about it, work hard, or do some sports to safely ditch this sadness away.

Sadness is healthy and important for us to mature emotionally, but we should not surrender to grief and make it a life style! As much as sadness is hard, as much as we should work on it before it turns to depression. Because only then, every unresolved sad feeling will find its way to slowly take our lives away.

It is always okay to be sad, but please do not let it last for so long.

Music to My Ears

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You were more than a friend… Always
You cheered me up, in all ways
In the darkest moments, you were the light
Because of you, my days were bright
You were the guidance for my soul
You were my priority above all
Beauty to my eyes, music to my ears
Most beautiful voice, that one hears
I am blessed to have you in my life
Your eternal love, is what I strive

Lost Interest in Humans

show-194177Humans.. What a word! It used to mean a lot, but now it doesn’t anymore.

I have been so quiet recently, because I lost interest in humans and lost faith in humanity. There were years when I believed in the goodness of human kind. Until many incidents happened, one after the other, which hit in every base I had. Ending up with ashes of those beliefs. There are still some good kind people who still share with us this world, but they are too few and with negligible influence. There are other days where evilness prevails, and it strikes every chance to fix the world, leaving behind ages of work to bring life back to what was destroyed.

Sadly, those incidents hit so hard, that it is no longer interesting to get to know people that close. It is scary to get too close. It is tough to get beaten again from unexpected persons. It wasn’t supposed to be that hard, but unfortunately it is.

Some marks will always stay. They don’t hurt that much anymore, but the scars are quite deep and clear to remind everyone of what already happened. Some scars are meant to stay, to keep the memory of pain, and to ensure that the lesson is learned, and it does not need to be re-learned again.

The Bridge..

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I stood in front of you that day. My heart was aching and tears were on the edge of flowing. I wished to hide between your arms. This would have been the safest place on earth for me that particular moment. You were so close. You sat down on the bridge while I stood up so that you look to me from a lower place. I was so close that I felt your soul is fully inside me. Your eyes, face, hands and body… all so close.. at my chest level. You leaned down a bit looking for those tears. You saw me holding them. Then you straightened your arms, offering a hug. I stood there, wishing to! But I couldn’t. Then you stood up. Me facing you, with our height difference it felt perfect. I wanted nothing more than this hug. I wanted to place my arms around your neck and hide my face on your left shoulder. I wished that you open your arms for me to go inside. But you didn’t. I looked to the ground out of shyness, sadness and held tears. It has been a lot. I wished to hide between your arms and cry.. just cry my soul out. I felt pushed to just throw my full body into you. You standing there. Ready for me. Me wishing for you.. nothing stopped me except my fear of losing you. I wished to, needed to, and hoped to hide in you. But I just couldn’t!

I always wonder how do you make me feel that safe always the whole time? Why do I run to you in every situation? Why are you my safe resort? Many questions but one answer.. the love and intimacy I have for you is something beyond explanation. Part of your soul grew inside of me . And it will always be like that.

Without you, I would have definitely never existed.

I vs You

Some of us use “I” in conversations more than “You”. They are very self centred and self focused. No matter how hard you try to be there for them, that they would be able to see you or add you to their equation. This becomes painful along time. Since you invest a lot trying to be “something” for them. But eventually, you end up “nothing”.

Chaoes

yIIWkpQkChaoes is what goes on my mind. Nothing sorts it out or calms it down. The loud screaming voices aren’t giving me a chance to sleep or think. The painful pleading heart isn’t giving my mind a chance to be logical. Emotionally drained, scared, sad and exhausted.. unable to communicate to anyone anymore because my comfort backbone decided to leave. I feel suddenly dropped in an angry ocean, with some basic knowledge how to face the roaring waves. But I have never tried before to be on my own that way. It is a tough storm going through my soul, heart and thoughts. A very far logical intuition says it is the right thing… at least for now. But in my heart deep down, I wish that once and for all… I have the chance to be with you.. the only person I devoted my life to. Perhaps, this isn’t love. It is the harmony, the safety, the care, the intimacy that is lost. I am not sure if it feels safe again with you. Being my backbone, and then disappearing .. Your decision is very very very painful. What will happen, we will not be the same again. Just friends? I hope. But now of course this is not doable. This is painful more than what I can explain.

People Change.. to Assholes

People change along years. We all do. They either become -perhaps- a better versions of themselves, or -definitely- become assholes. No one remains the same. We build experiences and memories along days. We meet different people, but the most common pattern is that people turn to assholes, while in some rare cases, people become humans!

a22d4c7e2b2fa07c985149b5b77ab856Being an asshole became a pattern, a characteristic and an advantage. Assholes take people for granted. They misuse their power, and abuse everyone lying in their circle of relationships. They become the threat, where everyone else becomes a victim.

Assholes circle is growing massively fast, that it leaves no chance for “Humans” to stay. Humans leave this life early enough not to be harmed, but some fail to escape on the right time. Some are still captured, harmed, tortured and abused. Usually after such asshole’s actions, those humans are left behind as wreckage, remains of humans.

Damage is beyond explanation.. Pain is more than what words can explain.. Once upon a time.. I used to be a human.. Now, I am only remains of a human..

Choices

belief-choices-courage-life-Favim.com-3547194-300x300People make choices.. lots of them. They know facts, or guess things, and eventually they still choose to make their own choices. They choose to stay with a cheater, or decide to end a fraud. They choose to break their child’s soul, or live up and stand up for them. They choose to believe a stranger telling a strange truth, or trust a brother who is full of lies.

Choices are made, consciously and unconsciously. But they change our lives forever. They change the lives of those surrounding us forever. Our choices do not only affect us, but they affect everyone else around.

It is all about choices..

Auf der Suche

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Wenn ich kein Wörter mehr finde.. Wenn ich kein Lösung mehr habe.. Wenn ich ganz depremiert bin.. Wenn ich mit niemand sprechen kann.. oder darf.. Wenn die ganze Welt sehr schwarz ist.. Wenn Angst mein Hauptgefühl ist.. Wenn Hass mich ausfüllt.. Wenn ich mich töten will.. Wenn Tod zu werden eine Wünsch ist… Wenn keiner mich versteht… oder mit mir bleiben will… Wenn ich stark abgelent bin..

Dann bin ich auf der Suche auf Hilfe.. Irgendwelche Hilfe, die vielleicht mir auf Dreck rausziehen kann.. Vielleicht es ist kein Dreck, vielleicht es ist einfach mein Leben.

Auf der Suche.. bin ich immer noch.

Duaa

اللهم إليك أشكو ضعف قوتي وقلة حيلتي وهواني على الناس يا أرحم الراحمين أنت ربُّ المستضعفين وانت ربّي إلى من تكلني، إلى بعيد يتجهَّمني أم إلى عدو ملكته أمري إن لم يكن بك علىِّ غضبُُ فلا أبالي، ولكنَّ عافَيَتَك أوسعُ لي أعوذ بنور وجهك الذي أشرقت له الظلمات، وصلح عليه أمر الدنيا والآخره من أن تُنزل بي غضبك أو يَحِلَّ علىَّ سخطُك لك العتبى حتى ترضى ولا حول ولا قوة إلا بك

إلهي كيف أدعوك وأنا أنا، وكيف أقطع رجائي منك وأنت أنت؟، إلهي إن لم أدعوك تستيجب لي فمن ذا الذي أدعوه فيستجيب؟ وإن لم أسألك تعطيني فمن ذا الذي أسأله فيعطيني؟ وإن لم أتضرع إليك تنجيني فمن ذا الذي أتضرع إليه فينجيني؟ إاللهم وكما فلقت البحر لموسى ونجيته من الغرق فصلّ ياربي على محمد وعلى آل محمد ونجني مما أنا فيه من كرب بفرج منك عاجل غير آجل وبرحمتك يا أرحم الراحمين.

About Change..

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Change is the only constant in this life.

Change changes us, and we can change the change.

We cannot change the people, but we can change the people!

Change is sometimes the only cure for the constant pain.

Change is a tough process, even though it does not stop, it gives us a chance to change.

If anything stops changing, it implies its death.

We can change our figures easily, but it takes a long time to change our hearts.

 

His Words

Words are the strongest magical spell which works in all places, times and situations. Those words when they are his, are the most seducing ever.

bigstock-Businessman-On-Park-Bench-With-64115242_sr8ggbThat day, I got stuck in the morning traffic and arrived later than planned to work. I had an important meeting, when being late was the last thing I wished for. It took me a while to get out of the rushing mood and to actively engage again with my colleagues. With the first break after long stressful two hours of discussions, I realized that he texted me…

I eagerly opened his message to find: “Shall we have lunch together?”. A cold shiver went through my spine to my limbs, leaving my mind in a euphoric state. My stomach tingled me slightly with that butterflies effect. I wonder why I always feel that way when I read his name anywhere. My heart jumps of happiness, and natural endorphin is flowing through my body, just by his name! “Together“, this word from him ignited my senses, that I felt the heat glowing of my face. I receive the exact same question from most of my colleagues and friends on a daily basis. But from him, it sounds sweetly different. I repeated that magical word “Together” a hundred times in my mind. With my racing heart beats, I gathered my strength to text him back: “Lets!”. I feared writing more words not to be revealed. I still could not tell him how I feel towards him, although I am sure that he reads me very well. I could neither risk a rejection nor lose my friend.

Drowning in my daydreams, I was awaken by his next message: “Looking forward to see you at 12:00 🙂 “. Those few words, “Looking forward”, his name, the smile, just him! This is purely seducing. His few little words are playing over and over again in my mind with how I imagine him saying them. They contain me, shedding away all my fears, as if it is a beautiful hug for my soul just through his words. “See you”, how does he really see me? Do I really like him that much? Is it only in my mind, or is it mutual? These are some questions which only increase my thirst for him. Am I that precious to him likewise he is to me? I hope…

His words are pretty normal words like everyone else, but their positive thrilling effect on me is non-comparable to anything that I have ever experienced before!

His Hug

11Today in that long meeting at work, I had my phone blinking that a new message was received. I shortly checked who was it. For my surprise it was him…

My breath stopped for a few seconds and my heart skipped one heart beat. I opened the message out of my thirst for his words. It stated “I have few minutes to be at our spot, see you!”. I was excited and eager to steal those moments with him. I closed my eyes imaging myself between his arms. Honestly, I could not wish for anything more than his hug. Then I sent him: “See you at our location X“. Nothing seduces me like that cipher between us.

I excused myself out of that super boring meeting, picked up the jacket and rushed to our secret spot. It is a favorite hidden location in the garage, where we usually get out of work formalities and just enjoy our company. I walked out there and saw him standing there, staring at me with his gorgeous eyes (Link), when my heart beats went faster.

I ran towards him, and threw myself between his arms. I whispered “I dreamed of your hug whole night”. He held me tighter and gently squeezed my body into his. His warm breath went through my hair and tickled my neck. I fused my whole soul within his body. I love that close contact where every part of our bodies are strongly attached. Our arms are twisted around one another containing our excitement and happiness within our souls. Our faces hiding within one another isolating us from the whole world. Our legs and abdomens fully attached that no one can find who is whom. Above all, our chests fully attached pushing one another to sync our heart beats to become one soul in two unified bodies. I totally dissolved in him that I wished that time could stop at that specific moment, however he had a train to catch. Unwillingly, I slowly pulled my soul back to my body, took one tiny step backwards while moving my finger tips along his arms until my hand found his. I held them so firm, fearing the next moment when I have to let go. He leaned forward to me whispering “I really missed you“. I came closer to him, breathing in his scent, and giving myself one last chance to feel that warmth and comfort, then I pulled away giving him a chance to go to work.

His hug recharged me like nothing else. His hug ignited my soul with passion, love and energy. His hug was the best bless I had within a long day of work.

His Eyes

Mans-Eyes-2008956I was talking with him that day at lunch, when all of a sudden, I have noticed how sharp his eyes looked to me. That day, I looked back to him and despite my constant trials, I could never push my eyes away off him. His eyes captured mine, firmly, not giving me a single chance to look away. I drowned in his soul through those beautiful eyes. He looked to me with full focus, while his eyes were jumping between my eyes, it made me helplessly eager to ask him to settle down. His charming stare with a fully dilated pupil locked my soul within his stare. I wished that his eyes never blink, not to leave me alone after that glimpse from paradise. He must be a non-human with those magical eyes. He must have been an angel who stole my heart from that breathtaking stare. He is that guy with those most beautiful eyes my heart has ever seen. That day, we finished lunch, and each went to his destination. But he left me with a sweet memory of those eyes. It left me waiting for the next time we meet, perhaps, I find that unplanned extraordinary feeling again that he gave me that day.

Einsamkeit

1-ZR1QmR4tlwhNY7xgy6jihAIch kenne niemand, der interessant wäre. Mit dem ich jederzeit Zeit verbringen könnte. Ich kenne niemand, der mich während alle Probleme raus zieht könnte.

Damals, kennte ich jemand, der den Potential hatte, weil er eine gute Eindruck gegeben hat. Aber Leider, bisher hat er nichts gezeigt, und niemand überzeugt. Deswegen ist er wieder ein “niemand”.

So allein bin ich eigentlich nicht. Obwohl ich mich so viel Zeit nur mit mir bliebe, hatte ich kein Beschwerdung. Es machte bisher mir Spaß. Plötzlich nun manchmal fühle ich mich extreme Einsamkeit, nicht wie früher. Je länger diese Gefühl bleibt, desto einsamer bin ich. Die größte Überrachung ist dass ich niemehr gelangweiligt bin.  Ich bin echt Wohl als ob es niemals anderes wäre!

Vielleicht es ist nur die normale Entwicklung dieser Epoche, oder möglicherweise ist das gesamte Lebens Art geändert!

2017 in A Post

Here passes another year, year 2017, with all its ups and downs, with all its beauties, lessons, feelings, conflicts, travels and experiences. This is my time to reflect back the whole year, to define the new year resolution…

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Each month had its story, its memory and its blueprint: January, when I discovered new types of schools for my little girl. February, when my sister moved in here, and I had my dental operation, and knew about a murder. March, I still took a long time to heal after the operation, but I continued my swimming lessons. April, the only month that I visited Egypt in 2017, when I got closer to a new friend here, when I traveled around in Egypt with my family and friends. May, when I visited Prague, the city that I love. June, Ramadan, and some true inner souls were revealed! July, attending the first play performed by my child, Coldplay concert! August, when I had a beautiful round tour with my best friend here, where we picked random stops which turned to be heaven. September, first day at school, with a lot of preparations, started my German course. October, the first time that my parents visited me here, with another round trip in a mini-bus which I drive. November, starting online courses. December, visiting a snowy mountain, and most of Christmas markets around us.

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On the friendship level, it has been beautiful with my friends from the last couple of years. I have got closer to one more family around April. They have been my backbone during hard times. They stood there for me, when no one else did. Moreover, some of my friends since colleague opened up about their deepest secrets without me asking for it. It was very passionate, very sincere, and very honest talk with them. They fueled my soul with more energy more than I can explain. The more I listen, the more I tank up and fill up my soul. On the other hand, some friends decided to disappear and move forward in another direction. This is the normal trend with some friends. Sad but understandable.

On the shocks level, that day in February when I picked up my kid from school, I knew that two boys were murdered. I cried for one week without a reason. When I dug deeper, the only suspect was their dad – which we met at kindergarten pretty often – who picked them up for swimming – who had severe problems with his wife and their mom – who had enormous depression. Who tried to tell my husband about his problems but we could not help. I was shocked to know a victim that close, a murderer that close, and to see how far depression can take us.

On the physical health level, it has been a different experience than the previous years. My Hashimoto (autoimmune disease) got worse with higher antibodies, with more sleepless nights, and overall weaker body. But luckily, it is still manageable. I have removed one more wisdom tooth under full anesthesia which took more than 6 weeks for me to properly heal. It lead to a longer series of dental handling. Meanwhile, I have rarely proceeded practicing my CrossFit due to many other limitations, which made me lose a couple of kilograms, and get back to my normal weight for the past decade. However, walking has been my companion. With an average of unplanned 40~60 kms walked monthly, I have managed to keep my blood circulation flowing. Also, I have joined a short swimming course which was so much fun!

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On the career level, work has been stable until August, when everything turned upside down. Teams were changed, scope was changed, managers were changed, and my assignments are changed. Landed to a team with no clear defined scope, it implies the need to explore my own way, identify how we would proceed, and manage the team within the changing vague environment. It is quite frustrating, but I know it will pass. It even increased my sleepless nights, and my generic anger, but I am full of faith, that I will manage to handle it within the new year 2018.

On the educational level, I have managed to restart my German courses. I can now mostly express myself, but I am not still accurate and precise. I decided to resume my courses in the hope of sharpening my language, to better win my arguments. Moreover, I have found some online courses for computer sciences, which I started around November. They are super interesting, that I do not want to stop soon. Also, I have read a couple of psychological books, which I use in my daily life…

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On the exploration level, it was a fruitful year, with a lot of explorations with my beloved ones. I have visited many cities: Prague, Ain Sokhna, Alexandria, Cairo, Baden-baden, Freudenstadt, Tegelberg, Heidelberg, Strasbourg, Roppenheim, Salzburg, Parndorf, Schwangau, Hallstatt, Vienna, Munich and Schaffhausen… Many lakes: Mummelsee over a mountain and Titisee… Many Waterfalls: Rhinewasserfall, Bad Urach and Triberg. It was very interesting, and I have mostly been on some highway to somewhere. I went over many mountains, took many trains, and walked and drove many kilometers.

On the hobbies level, the only hobby that sustained this year was traveling and reading. With many online books, and thousands of driven kilometers, the main two hobbies that sustained this year were those two. Sports has been there, but randomly. It was always a part of my travels, and my activities. But I was not dedicated like previous years.

It has been a fruitful year… with a lot more stability… consistency… persistence… and focus. Of course there has been some slips, but I know it now going to the right direction… It has been a year without extreme incidents like before… It has been a year which showed me who is whom… who belongs to my circle and who does not.. who I am… where my weaknesses are, and how to tackle them… who I want to be, and who I want to be with… It has been an intellectual year, with less talking, and more doing… It is a year which makes me pleased of the progress I made, and the path I took so far.

Looking forward for new year 2018 with new resolution, and new hopes!

Destructive Emptiness

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It has been a while since I wrote anything… I was determined not to flood the internet with more negative posts, but today I cannot. I cannot keep all those chaotic thoughts within my mind without sorting them out. Writing has always been my escape from the real messy  thoughts. It has been my way to sort out my feelings. No matter how long I stop writing, I never lose the urge to speak out my mind. Moreover, written words usually do not fail me…

I wonder why emptiness is crawling slowly into my soul. There are many possible reasons, but none of them is convincing.

One reason could be the dark cold winter leaving its yearly dark traces into my heart. Winter comes and brings a lot of sadness along. It does not allow me to be that active happy girl as I usually feel during summer time. It takes away any hope I have. It kills my willingness to move forward, and pulls me back without any energy to fight back or stop that vigorous trailing towards darkness.

May be it is not the winter… But it might be the endless fast loops I am running in. Being dragged into endless loops trying to catch up the non-stopping time. Holding on to targets that are getting further. Trying to beat time, age, health with duties that pile up. Those growing to-do lists are hunting me everywhere, not giving my mind a chance to rest, nor my soul an opportunity to feel. Those torture loops are transforming every sign of humanity within me, into a metal soulless robot.

Perhaps it is not the endless loops, however it is the boring routine which does not give me a chance to breath and look around. Getting up from bed same time, preparing same breakfast, putting on same perfume, driving same route, wasting same time, meeting same people, have same talks, fights and discussions… this kind of routine is killing me. When combined with my endless loops with constant routines, it completes my transformation into that emotionless dead robot. Routine is getting on my nerves badly that it makes me miss “feeling” anything.

Another reason would be the long trips I spend alone nights at the train after I finish my course. I travel for more than a couple of hours in the dark late nights sometimes weekly. This long time when spent thinking, I tend to overthink negatively. My thoughts drift into the painful past memories. The ones which I loath to remember. Sometimes, I manage to pull my thoughts back to the present, nevertheless, I drown into depressive philosophy about my current weaknesses, and unfulfilled needs. My whole soul and body uncontrollably dives deeply into my dark side, what I regret, what hurts me, and what I constantly fail to change.

Mostly, I end up shutting up my screaming grieving thoughts by listening to loud music, watching a horror or romantic movie, or reading some psychological book. But honestly, it is does not help that much. All those are only temporary pain killers for a wound that is still there. A wound that I cannot recognize where it comes from. I have some assumptions for the source of that pain, but cutting that pain would be more painful. It hurts… a lot. No matter how much I describe or tell… no one will understand. Not because no one can… but because I cannot even understand it to explain it further. If only there were a way to figure out the source of that emptiness. I would definitely take that path.

One wish I truly have… is for this painful emptiness to end. Before it causes further non-recoverable destruction.

It is just a picture..


Behind every picture lies a story.. a feeling.. a hidden thought and a secret… you can only see the picture from outside in the frame, but you can never see what lies beyond that frame.. 

A smiling face with a hundred tear behind… a lovely gift with a lot of emptiness inside… a beautiful scene with unseen pain behind the lense… a happy baby with exhausted unremarkable parents.. a laughing couple with endless struggles..

It is usually just a picture with one certain angle for a single moment in a certain place. But it never captures the full real shot with its feelings, details, history and background. 

Only those who are being captured would hold the full truth in their hearts. But for everyone else… it is just a picture…

What was said, is said!

12548445-7147-mYou defined your expectations in a way which I cannot reach. You overlooked everything I do and focused on the details which I could not do. You overwhelmed me with blames I could not handle, and loaded me with feelings I did not cause. Your words left me with a heavy heart, full of pain and with many sleepless nights. Is this part of your satisfaction; to leave those you love in agony? Is it how you function? Is this your definition for care?

You accused me of disrespect, while among all that was said, you were the one disrespecting me. You disrespected my privacy and the way I manage my life. You disregarded my circumstances and my conditions. You judged me without knowing the facts. Even your approach for knowing part of the truth was quite provoking. You accused me with actions I did not do. You chose to break my heart rather than find excuses for me. You were too self centered that you overlooked how your words might negatively affect me.. and they really did.

I know that your words caused me pain.. lots of it. I know that you asked me to forget what was said, but I do not see it feasible.. At least not at the current time. What was said, is said, and it was definitely too much. You revealed how you think and how you calculate your relationships with people. For me, friends are people who I do not need to pretend with anything while being around them. However, in your case, you made me filter every word being said, watch out for every action being done, and even every idea being thought of. You became the wound not the heal.

Diamond Friends

Some people are like diamonds, they shine regardless the circumstances.

diamondThey are so pure, so beautiful and so genuine. They have crystal clear hearts with very high values. These people leave traces of happiness everywhere they go and with everyone they talk to. Once you be-friend them, they stay. None of the surroundings affect them. They stay even if they were forgotten for years because of life dilemmas. On the moment that you contact them again, they shine as always. In fact, they create a more beautiful environment, a happier vibes and a calmer atmosphere. They absorb all the negativity around without being damaged, and they bring out the best of ourselves with the strongest magical powers… the diamond power…

I am blessed with those diamonds in my life. At the moments when I lose hope, only those bring out the best of me.

Don’t hire the artist when you expect the athlete!

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Don’t hire the artist when you expect the athlete! And definitely do not hire an athlete when you need an artist!
People have different natures and various talents. These talents control one’s personality and define one’s optimal path in life. Some jobs require certain set of skills and a predefined character to fit. For example, some jobs require good deal of artistic spirit to be able to be creative. Some other jobs need those who can handle stress and finish the job quickly.

Most of the time people overlook the nature of those they hire. Sometimes they hire an artist and expect him to finish the designated task as an athlete, or vise versa. It simply does not work that way. Both of them feel frustrated after a while. The manager for not getting the work done, and the employee for not being appreciated and always under performing.

Study well who you work with to plan their lifestyle. You need more than just a person in the team. It is a whole set of thoughts, characteristics, ideas, feelings and preferences that you deal with. You hire a whole person, so choose wise what you ask for.

The Details

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It is always about the details…

Those who pay attention to our details, make all the difference in our life. This particular friend who notices our mood from the tone of our voice. This certain colleague who knows our fears from our eyes without spelling a single word out. This peculiar person who cheers us up by a simple candy without asking for it. There are some people who make all the beautiful differences in our lives, without asking for it.

I remember this day when I was totally down, crying for no reason and extremely depressed, that you showed up. You asked no questions, and told few stories. You gave me that confidence to open up. You guided me to trust you. I only listened to you and your words. Your stories might be untrue. They might be fairy tales. But they perfectly matched how I felt that day. I always wonder how you could feel me that way. Is it my extroversion, or your intuition?

I remember that other day when I was sensually emotional. You showed up out of nowhere. You stood behind me, filling up those gaps. You cherished my sensuality, and valued my emotional state. This was a day when you recognized that sensual urge from the tone of my voice. I didn’t have to explain or hide. When you noticed this little detail, you gave me the room to be myself.

It has always been your talent to notice the details the reason for my happiness. You made me at ease to be who I am. Your recognition for my details, shortened the way to my heart.