I have tried so hard to know someone like me. I have searched for that person whose darkness prevails within his soul, while his surface is crystal clear. I have tried to find that person who explored his limits, his boundaries, and his beliefs. I have searched for that someone who blew up his comfort zones, extended his limits, and redefined his own soul. I have searched so hard, trying to find that single person whose life turning-points took him further than anyone could ever imagine. But I haven’t succeeded… yet.
On my searching journey, I learned more about humans. I was always keen to know people on the very human level. I was so indifferent about the actions they did. I did not ever judge what they said. The processing of their action to classify them as right or wrong faded away. I have worked on understanding the motivation behind rather than judging the act. I tried to dive deep into each and every single person. In the hope of finding someone who is sharing the same darkness as myself, or even went a little bit more. Nevertheless, during this searching journey, I did not ever find. I realized that I hit all the marks for darkness. I redefined the limits of how severe people might alter.
This searching journey made me sometimes loath myself. Whenever I tried to compare people’s actions which changed their lives with my truth, the outcome was horrifying. I ranked always last. Honestly, this is always devastating.
During this journey, I knew many friends. True friends. I learned how to communicate with people easily. I broke the ice and dived deeply within their souls. I gained their trust, and never breached a promise. I learned how to be more human. I even learned how to read people’s minds through their actions. Their change in perception, attitude and behavior could always be linked easily to what they might have gone through. I have had a long journey trying to find the heal for my wounded soul. Sadly, I have never healed because I have only knew that I am the worst. But fortunately, I became more sincere with people. I have learned to be “Human” with every meaning this word can hold.
The searching journey is still on-going. The hope will still remain that one day, I might find someone who went to darkness further than what I have gone. May be one day, I will know that after all that I wasn’t really that bad…